I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
