The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
