my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
