Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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