look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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