were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
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Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
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He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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