i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
