Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
