So drunk its hurt
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
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Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
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I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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