All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
