Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
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When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
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It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
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