pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
