can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
