I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
