Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Couch. On fire.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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