so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
