I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
