why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
