I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
