nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
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