if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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