the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
