I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
