My nipple is on Facebook.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
