WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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