I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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