oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
