can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i love accidental penises.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Randomize
