if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
