there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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