He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
