nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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