I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
