You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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