"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
