Just fell off a train. Bad.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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