would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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