god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I feel like abortions should bother me more
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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