I molested 6 butterflies tonight
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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