does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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