Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
