I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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