best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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