I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
