My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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