Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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