Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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