She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
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