I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
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Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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