Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
