I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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