i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
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We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
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You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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