I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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