i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
