What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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