I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
