I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
nutella sex= disaster
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
